In my personal opinion, meth was soo 2005. You know that things have gone too far when you're at the club, macking it with Jenny, and your boy yells "Yo, don't kiss Jenny, she got meth mouth." Everyone will turn and look at you and know that you're into boning addicts, and damn, that ain't fly. So it's time to ditch that tweaker and her embarrassing little habit and move on to something else, and I've got just the thing for you: everyone's favorite cocaine derivative, crack.
Obviously, you don't need a whole lot of technical expertise or an IQ over 100 to cook up a solid batch of rocks, but you do have to know what the fuck you're doing. You're liable to burn the fucking house down if you're not careful. And that brings me to the first step of the culinary art of crack...
1. Safety First. No one wants to lose an eye or set the kitchen ablaze accidentally. That's not cool at all. So get a fire extinguisher handy, and throw some safety goggles on your domepiece to protect you from molten crack particles. Otherwise you might end up looking like Slick Rick.
2. Get the essentials. Get a decent frying pan, preferably one that's teflon-coated (like your bullets!) or of the non-stick variety. Steal one of your mom's Calphalon ones if you can, because those babies are fucking choice (and I own stock in Newell Corp.) You'll also need a tablespoon, a measuring cup, and some water. Oh yeah, and an ounce of cocaine. Don't forget that.
3. Mix it up a bit. Pour out the ounce into the measuring cup. Add a tablespoon of baking soda (For more crack, use more baking soda. That's the G thing to do.) Add 3/4 of a cup of water, and mix that shit up. You can let your children or elderly relatives get in on this step; you can make them feel included, it's hard for them to fuck it up and you can make sure they're not skimming off the top.
4. Heat the pan. Yeah, heat the pan. When it looks good and hot (you can feel the surface of the pan with your tongue to determine this), go ahead and pour your new potion into it. Use a metal spatula or a butter knife to even it out. Isn't Home Ec fun?
5. Keep it flat. That shit is going to start to boil. As it bubbles up, it's going to spit and fizz in your face like crazy. Hopefully you've remembered Step 1. Make sure you use that butter knife to flatten out the crack--it's going to start bunching up into rocks at this point. It's a lot like making rock candy with your grandmother, except you won't go to hell for that.
6. Turn that shit white. Continue to cook these newly formed rocks until they turn a pure, solid white. This will ensure that you burn off any impurities and leave yourself with the most potent final product possible.
7. Freeze! Once your rocks have become a solid, clean white, dump them onto a thin cloth or paper towel to drain. Take this towel, rocks and all, and throw it in the freezer for 15 to 20 minutes, hardening your product and ensuring strong ionic bonds between the crack molecules (chemistry in action!)
8. Pat yourself on the back. You've bodly gone where many, many aspiring rappers have gone before you. Get out on the street and start slangin'. Get your paper. Hustle and Flow. Or something like that.
This recipe has met the quality standards of Ol' Dirty Bastard
No comments:
Post a Comment