Good Excuses

I assume that you, reader, are as unapologetic about your laziness as I am. I fucking hate doing anything that wasn't my idea to begin with: school work, actual work, cleaning, showering, pulling out, etc. I will do anything to get out of an obligation. In the sixth grade, I intentionally broke my fucking wrist in gym class to get out of a social studies essay (kids have no clue what the hell insurance co-pays are). I will febreeze my nuts for a week if it means I don't have to bathe. I throw a toothbrush into a bottle of Listerine for hygenic multi-tasking. And so should you. The best weapon in the slacker's arsenal is a good excuse, the validity of which bosses or professors wouldn't dare question. So we here at LazyEyedGirl have compiled for you fat, lazy wastes of life out there a comprehensive list of excuses that no deadbeat dad should be without.

I. Mildly Apathetic
"I thought I sent the e-mail... It must have gotten stuck in my outbox" Standard. A shitty wireless connection can keep that essay or TPS report stuck in electronic limbo for the rest of fucking eternity. I use this one about twice a week, but teachers and assholes get suspicious after a while, which is when you need to up the ante...

"I've got Pink Eye" You might as well have the plague. Tell your boss you have pink eye and watch how fast he backs the fuck away from you. But no, you lazy piece of shit, you don't want real pink eye, that's fucking foul. This one is actually deceptively easy, not to mention it's a fun bit of slacker multi-tasking. Get some good weed, or a fuckton of shitty weed, and hit the bong until you'd consider intercourse with Minnie Driver. The next step is tricky: Throw some visine into one eye, but not both eyes, you silly stoner. And boom, instant pink eye. Feel free to rub it and then touch your roommates, just to milk the scenario. (props to Big Poppa for the tip)

II. Technically Illegal
"The Marcus Williams" A time-honored college classic. Take a butter knife and scratch up the area around the lock on you dorm room (or apartment) door. Really dig in there and make it look authentic. File a false police report, telling the cops that someone took a bunch of your DVD's or some other small, relatively unimportant shit. The key is to keep the value of (allegedly) stolen items low, preferably under a hundred bucks. You just want to have a record of your shit getting ganked. Then, you send an email to your professor or boss, and tell them your laptop got jacked, probably by one of those delinquents on the basketball team. Hell, they can even check with the police. And voila, you have a week's worth of reasons not to hand shit in. (Disclaimer: Lazy Eyed Girl does not encourage the falsification of police reports. But we don't condemn it, either)

III. Hell-worthy
"I felt a lump in the shower..." Sorry ladies, this one might not work for you unless you're Chastity Bono or some other post-op tranny. The testicular cancer line is the hydrogen fucking bomb of excuses: you can only use it once, and you may have to keep up appearances for a while. Just tell your boss you felt a lump in the shower this morning and you're going to get a biopsy done later in the day. Note the look of genuine horror and concern on their face as you deliver this sob story. Not only will you get the day off, but they'll forgive you if you seem a bit distracted and don't hand your next ten assignments in on time. God might actually fuck you over with this nut-eating disease some day, so you might as well reap the benefits before you actually get sick.