We Rise from Nothing.

It has been far too long since the last post, and it appears that no one really even cared.  There was a point in which I thought this blog could actually be something, but now I understand that it won't be anything.

I understand that it cannot be anything because we just don't give a fuck.  A lot of my life has passed and I just don't give a fuck about a lot of things.  I couldn't give a fuck about the NBA.  I don't give a fuck about holidays.  I don't give a fuck about what happens on this season of Survivor.  I don't even know if Survivor is still on because I don't even own a cable box anymore.  I do not give a fuck about cable.

I lost a bet.

While downloading a movie onto our Xbox, a friend and I began to talk about the future of the entertainment medium, specifically movies and television.  It wasn't about what kind of movies or television shows were going to be made or the general direction (at the time reality TV was everything, as it still seems to be), but about the medium in which this entertainment would be delivered.  The future is now.

Sadly, the cable guy is probably going to lose his job within the next twenty years.

I don't think I ever considered that the world would be completely web based.  It seems silly to me now, but I was so convinced that by this time, I would not be watching TV through downloads or streaming.  While I doubt a majority of homes are going through Roku or AppleTV, most people watch television "On Demand," which is pretty much the exact same thing.

The dumbest thing about that bet is that On Demand existed at the time, and I still thought streaming wouldn't become the way everyone watched television.

The future is not very predictable, and that is very unsettling to me.  I received a strong kick in the ass for not thinking about how my life will be different in the future.

I hope this blog can exist from time to time in the future.  Keeping some distant people together.  All we have to do is make it so.

Rule #69

Rule 69: If you put it in her butt, your automatically dating.
-Gentlemen, follow this rule and not only will you get a girlfriend, but the process will cost you a lot less. Instead of taking your girl to a nice steak dinner at fridays, or a fajita dinner at chilis, or even to outback for a bloomin onion (you aristocrats), all you have to do is put it in her butt. This will save you all kinds of money in the courting process. Now for you guys out there that put it in the butt of an ugly chick (cause you were drunk or hadn't gotten any in a long time), dont fret. You just have to break up with her the next morning. She might be confused when you say your breaking up the morning after a one night stand, she might not even know you guys were dating, but she will catch on.

Stay classy gentlemen.

Damn Kids

This past week, I found out how old I was.  This is not only a warning to all of those re-entering the "real world," but also to those who have not realized this predicament occurs so quickly in one's life.  Let me first begin by stating that I am a twenty-something year old male about to enter the professional world.  While this may not be important to you, the fact of the matter is, I still feel like I have a strong grasp on the popular culture references of our time and generation.  This past week, however, led me through so many loops and trials of this belief, and I now feel as if this strong grasp is a dangling pinky finger hanging onto the edge of the seal while my other hand struggles to reach for the holy grail.

Although some may know this, I am fortunate enough to be allowed to stand in front of a room of ninety fourteen and fifteen year olds each day and mold their minds so they don't become fucked up rejects like me.  If that doesn't make any sense, than you're like me.  After being in this position for some time, the only way I see the education system changing is by hiring the aliens from Independence Day to destroy the entire US.  With Windows 95 obsolete, there is no way Jeff Goldblum can stop the nation's imminent doom.  While I'm making this reference, let me just say that this movie brought about the Bush administration.  People are dumb enough to believe that their President can make decisions, be witty, and kick ass as a fighter pilot.  "Eagle One, Fox Two!"

Sorry to digress, but the point I'm going to make is simple.  People of my age are now too old to make references to pop culture that relate to fourteen and fifteen year olds.  Here are some things that I have found out over the past couple weeks, leading me to believe that I am older than I think:

1. Kids know Limp Bizkit, but not Led Zeppelin.

2. Kids write in text format.

3. Kids think The Cleveland Show is funnier than South Park...and The Simpsons.

4. Kids don't know who Bill

 Cosby, Chris Farley, or Christopher Wallace is.

5. Kids think that the prequels are better than the original trilogy.

While these kids are certainly idiotic, fuck-brained twats, they did make me realize how generations just don't mesh.  My parents think my taste in music, movies, and television is simply fucked up, and I'm not even going to say what my grandparents thought.  But now I understand that not only do old people die, but so does pop culture.  While only certain people continue to bare the useless mantle of pop culture knowledge for their generation, the rest go on to live their lives, not realizing that they are demolishing a bridge between two generations.

I just don't want to die like that crazy fuck in Big Fish.

Black Out

As I awoke this morning, i came to realize I did not remember getting home last night. I do enjoy the drink, also I usually remember what I do when I am on the drink. I have only blacked out one time before this, that was a horror story. Clearly, a feeling of fear washes over about what I could of done last night. My car is parked in its usual parking space. I put my slippers on and go immediately outside. I walk by my parents who are sitting in the living room watching Sunday Morning. I go to my car, it is fine. Something just does not feel right, mainly because I feel perfectly fine and everything seems perfectly fine. I call a companion from the night before, they do not answer I immediately think they are dead. They shortly return my phone call, and add to my nightmare by telling me I didn't do anything out of the norm. At this point I feel like Jason Bourne, I am solving a mystery. As I go on my Facebook I discover I wrote a comment/comments on everyones status. Yet known of them were negative. I slowly come to realize my last memory of the evening before. I was with my boss and I went to the bartender, who had an amazing rack and said "can I have 2 jager bombs please..." , yes, please was said.

Hello Folks...

Hello there fellow Lazy Eyed Girlers. I’m Mr. Jibbers. I’m going to be writing about music and other fun stuff for this “blog” that all the kids are going so crazy over. First, a little about who Mr. Jibbers is.

Well, to start off, I am NOT Paul Shirley. Not trying to pick on the dude too much here, so let me give you a little background here. I don’t read many blogs about music. Usually, I just take a few bong rips and try to figure out what Bootsy Collins was doing on the bass on that one James Brown recording instead. So, when your friend and mine, Halfacrian Canadian, asked me to write a little bit about music, all that bubbled up in my head was that one Paul Shirley article. If you are part of our target demographic of 16-35 year old males who hit the refresh button on ESPN.com every five minutes, you may be familiar with Mr. Shirley’s work. A basketball player who has on opinion on music and pop culture? How trite! I’ll start you kind folks off with this little ditty:

I can appreciate The Beatles' contribution to the world of music; I can recognize their influence on Oasis, on Guns 'N' Roses, on White Lies. But if I hold their records up to the records of those bands and listen to them -- listening only for musicality and entertainment value -- I will never come away saying, "OK, 'Abbey Road' is better." I might be able to say that it was ahead of its time, or that it was groundbreaking work. But because I wasn't there, and because I couldn't give a damn about the mythology of The Beatles

Oh man, so many red flags popped up in my head when I re-read this paragraph, much less the whole article. Lets just dig in, shall we? First off, I had to look up who exactly White Lies were. Now, I will admit that I do not stay as up on all the contemporary alternative white boy bands as well as people like Paul Shirley do. But, my ignorance of the genre aside, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?! I don’t think you could even come up with a list of songs from all of the bands that Shirley mentions that even comes close to anything on Abbey Road, much less the whole Beatles discography. OASIS???? The most “entertaining” thing about them is how those two little Brit brothers just cannot seem to get along. “Wonderwall” was decent enough song, but over anything on Abbey Road? Does not pass the smell test. Let’s continue:

Much like a novelist or musician, I'll learn which argument worked and which argument didn't. By the time I draw my last ragged breath, I'm sure I'll have figured out something more about the right way to argue about music.

At this point, Shirley does us a favor by telling us who he really is. He, in his own words, is NOT a musician. In my own half-baked opinion, 95% of musicians probably appreciate the Beatles more then Mr. Shirley does. People who know things about music, unlike Mr. Shriley, can draw entertainment from the Beatles. Hopefully, by the time he draws his "last ragged breath", Mr. Shirley will have learned to appreciate the Beatles a little more. I do not really care all that much about Paul Shirley. Journeymen NBA players that cannot hook on with any teams do not tend to hold my interest for all that long. My only problem with this dude is that he has been given the platform to spout this drivel to the whole world wide web. So, in the coming months, I will be talking about good music that interests me. Those of you who share Paul Shriley's opinion of the Beatles will probably not be enjoying my writing. Plan accordingly. Until next time, Jibbers out.

Family Fun Night - How to Cook Crack

Happy Friday! I hope you started your weekend in style last night, or plan to do so today. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time for all of us to start thinking about tradition and togetherness, to discover new and exciting ways to reconnect with our relatives. If you've got some spare time on your hands this holiday season, why not spend it with your family on a nice arts and crafts project? If you're so inclined, I've got just the activity to keep you and your loved ones going for hours.


In my personal opinion, meth was soo 2005. You know that things have gone too far when you're at the club, macking it with Jenny, and your boy yells "Yo, don't kiss Jenny, she got meth mouth." Everyone will turn and look at you and know that you're into boning addicts, and damn, that ain't fly. So it's time to ditch that tweaker and her embarrassing little habit and move on to something else, and I've got just the thing for you: everyone's favorite cocaine derivative, crack.

Obviously, you don't need a whole lot of technical expertise or an IQ over 100 to cook up a solid batch of rocks, but you do have to know what the fuck you're doing. You're liable to burn the fucking house down if you're not careful. And that brings me to the first step of the culinary art of crack...

1. Safety First. No one wants to lose an eye or set the kitchen ablaze accidentally. That's not cool at all. So get a fire extinguisher handy, and throw some safety goggles on your domepiece to protect you from molten crack particles. Otherwise you might end up looking like Slick Rick.

2. Get the essentials. Get a decent frying pan, preferably one that's teflon-coated (like your bullets!) or of the non-stick variety. Steal one of your mom's Calphalon ones if you can, because those babies are fucking choice (and I own stock in Newell Corp.) You'll also need a tablespoon, a measuring cup, and some water. Oh yeah, and an ounce of cocaine. Don't forget that.

3. Mix it up a bit. Pour out the ounce into the measuring cup. Add a tablespoon of baking soda (For more crack, use more baking soda. That's the G thing to do.) Add 3/4 of a cup of water, and mix that shit up. You can let your children or elderly relatives get in on this step; you can make them feel included, it's hard for them to fuck it up and you can make sure they're not skimming off the top.

4. Heat the pan. Yeah, heat the pan. When it looks good and hot (you can feel the surface of the pan with your tongue to determine this), go ahead and pour your new potion into it. Use a metal spatula or a butter knife to even it out. Isn't Home Ec fun?

5. Keep it flat. That shit is going to start to boil. As it bubbles up, it's going to spit and fizz in your face like crazy. Hopefully you've remembered Step 1. Make sure you use that butter knife to flatten out the crack--it's going to start bunching up into rocks at this point. It's a lot like making rock candy with your grandmother, except you won't go to hell for that.

6. Turn that shit white. Continue to cook these newly formed rocks until they turn a pure, solid white. This will ensure that you burn off any impurities and leave yourself with the most potent final product possible.

7. Freeze! Once your rocks have become a solid, clean white, dump them onto a thin cloth or paper towel to drain. Take this towel, rocks and all, and throw it in the freezer for 15 to 20 minutes, hardening your product and ensuring strong ionic bonds between the crack molecules (chemistry in action!)

8. Pat yourself on the back. You've bodly gone where many, many aspiring rappers have gone before you. Get out on the street and start slangin'. Get your paper. Hustle and Flow. Or something like that.


This recipe has met the quality standards of Ol' Dirty Bastard

Vampires Vs Zombies

First off I want to say all Anne Rice, Richard Matheson, and Bram Stoker vampires do not apply. Because of this I will take out George A. Romero, to make it even. The reason I took out the first three is because they stuck to the basic Vampire guide lines: Cant go out during the day, steak through the heart...etc. I also apologize if this seems one sided because I have a dick, not a vagina.

Seems like zombie movies have always stayed on the same guide lines. Well how can one really change it up with zombies besides making them fast? It seems to me that as of lately people are changing it up way too much with vampires. Making these people extreme douche bags. If vampires could go out during the day in The Lost Boys, the movie would be over in five minutes. The whole mysterious and awesome part about vampire is because they have a dark night time feel to them. I know for a fact that every guy knows exactly what they would do during a zombie invasion if/when it happens (thats right). I really cannot see why people are obsessed with vampires recently, do you want to be one? That is not going to help you during a zombie invasion.

I am going to stop there for now, there will most likely be a part two. I don't want to come off pro-zombie (which I am). I will leave you with some topics you can comment on:

Edward Cullen, Twilight Vs. Lestat, Interview with the Vampire

Catherine Hardwicke, Director Twilight Vs. Danny Boyle, Director 28 Days Later

Thirsty Thursday Pep Talk

Well it's Thursday so sit down, grab a fifth, smoke some weed and get ready for my weekly Thirsty Thursday Pep Talk.

Yes my friends, it is Thursday. The day of the week that drinking every other night this week has led up to. No one knows why Thursday is the international party day. In fact, scholars maintain the reason was lost years ago, however, everyone knows that tonight they will most likely make a regrettable decision. So lets get down to it, shall we? Go get fucked up tonight. I mean go get fucking wasted off your ass tonight. Sleep with that moderately ugly chick (just make sure you leave before it's light out...no need to see what she really looks like you moron). You only have a certain window in life where you can get away with getting so shitty on Thursdays, so by God do not disappoint me. I want you to have unprotected sex with that girl who may or may not have a VD. I want you to get into a fight with the "my new hair cut" guido that thinks he's the shit. Hell, I want you to fight with yourself (see: Film Character of the Week). Whatever you do, don't give a shit. I mean seriously don't give a fuck. As my colleagues and I on this Blog can attest, not giving a fuck is the most liberating quality you can have, so when you're out tonight doing something you will definitely regret, don't regret it. Just remember all of those stuck-up book worms doing "important" life-things and laugh at them. They'll never know how painfully uncertain it is to wonder if that bitch is pregnant. They'll never have to wonder if their bud was laced with PCP but by God it's the best feeling in the world. So onward, LEG communinty! Crack open that 30, pop that bottle, chop a line, pack the bowl and start this Thursday off right.

Film Character of the Week

Tyler Durden -

Very much like Plato's allegory of the cave this character has seen the light. Probably the biggest fictional role model for future generations. The true definition of an anti-hero. The character is very relevant today, having to do with consumerism and capitalism. If you live under a rock and have not seen Fight Club before, I suggest you go out and buy the 10 Year Special Edition. I also suggest you go out and get the book, it is a pretty good read.

"Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction..."

I made Tyler the character of the week because of the movies 10th Anniversary, therefore I want you all to know that Bob came in a close second.

Rule #1

1. You only get one senior year.
-this rule applies not only to senior years, but to any year in your life in which it is your last in a certain place, job, etc. after whatever year it may be, you will not be around, you will have moved on to something new. so whatever it is, job, school, relationship? you only have one year, so live it up!